Trump Yourself!

fullsizerender-9I couldn’t believe my eyes when I picked up my phone in the zero four hundred hour and saw an alert from Buzzfeed stating plainly that Donald Trump would be president. It was shocking. It was innerving. Not because I was angry or disappointed, but because it was CRAZY. For the record, I had kind of hoped that we would somehow avoid anyone winning. Since I am a positive person, I quickly moved on to realize this: if a questionably-behaved businessmen with no political experience and an allegedly fake university can be elected president of the United States, I am grossly selling myself short. I know that having a black president was a huge accomplishment, but for some reason the achievement just didn’t get me there. Maybe because Barrack Obama being president did not require a complete overhaul of my imagination. At this moment, my ambition has been set alight and I feel I can do anything.

Since I was a senior in college I have been exploring the concept of success being initiated by mental achievement; in other terms the idea of swag and self-beliefs producing like results in the physical world. It comes full circle to see Trump be loud enough to convince everyone he was qualified to be president and then actually being elected. I imagine he was super high off money fumes or something and then it came to him to run for president. He said “I have access, I’m awesome” and didn’t seem to really ever consider that he might be defeated. And he wasn’t.

Me on the other hand, I get an idea- I don’t start immediately in case I decide it’s stupid and want to give up. I budget time to become disenchanted. I expect it. The most recent idea I had was to sell baked goods for the Holidays. I love baking, I need people to consume it, and a way to pay for me to do it so the idea was really a no-brainer. I can’t even tell you why I gave up on it. Not because of laziness because I bought everything and tested all the desserts. It just because I’m not Trump enough. I am afraid of failing. But if I never even processed those thoughts what would I achieve?

I am actually in this space where I am desperate to change my life. I have a job right now, which is all kinds of prayers answered, but making money is not my ultimate function. I want to create things. This blog was me trying to make something last year. I am proud of it, but I let doubts keep me from producing the content I had originally envisioned. I want to have more than ideas. I want to have products to be proud of. I have been treating myself very unfairly by not even giving myself a chance.

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Since Donald Trump has been President-Elect, I have for the moment triumphed over doubt and stagnancy. Because if a guy who we didn’t think had a chance for weeks ago- nay- four nights ago is president, I can surely accomplish whatever tiny ripple thing I have been too chicken to do. The only thing keeping me from achievement is lack of pursuit. Based on what I have learned this week, skills don’t actually matter, but great ideas, ability, and confidence do. Since Wednesday, I have cleaned my house including floors and toilets, put on make up before work (work inside my house), baked cookies, started a YouTube Channel and recorded two videos, avoided the news and written this blog! I am keenly aware that the fact I am announcing my newfound initiative means that my readers will be aware if I succeed or not… But that is more reason not to let insecurity hover behind me, creepy, taking inventory of my every word as I answer back to the universe. From here I will visibly fail or succeed, bigly, which is a risk in this moment I can only reason to take.

Self-doubt is the assassin of self-value and self-worth.- Iyanla Vanzant

Working From Home: One Step Closer to Not Working

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I loitered in the shoppette enjoying what my husband would later be disappointed to learn was a pumpkin spice frappuccino. I received a phone call from the technician saying he was unable to progress onto the military post. I was annoyed because I had given the company a heads up about the fact that I lived on the post and even called the Welcome Center to get instructions for them. Nonetheless, about two hours later I was driving the gentlemen onto the base in his huge, black Envoy. Getting in the car with a strange man was naturally sketchy to me. I did consider waking my husband to have him meet the man instead and pursued this option by standing next to his head for about 45 seconds to see if he would wake up. Obviously he didn’t wake up and I didn’t wake him because he deserved to sleep in.

That was the day my work station was set up in my home. That was essentially the first day of the rest of my life.

I was unsure about working from home when my Team Lead first approached me. For one I was concerned about the solidity of my skills and knowledge base after only being a customer service professional for a total of 3 months in my entire life. Despite this, my managers were confident I was ready and cornered me into it. Even though working from home would mean not having to be asked “are you okay” every other day because I’m not holding my face right, I just knew I was going to get lonely without my variety of coworkers to talk to and tell me I’m pretty that day; and I would no longer have anyone for whom to bake. Basically, I felt like the best part of my job was my coworkers.

In a shocking turn of events, working from home feels like I have gotten my life back! My day isn’t spent getting ready to go to work and then recovering from being at work. Instead of spending 7am to 9:15 am dressing and doing chores, I don’t really get dressed and I can do chores and prepare for dinner throughout the day during times that would have otherwise been spent in the office trying not to get caught texting.

As a bonus, working from home also feels like I have my relationship back! One day as my husband prepared to leave for PT, he kissed me and tucked me in. In that moment, I felt like I was living my best life: as a princess. See, the dynamic of me “working harder” than my husband set me up to be hard to please. I needed so much more from my spouse to make things seem balanced. Now that I have minimal stress in my life as an employee, it is not hard for the scale to seem even. This is why I chose to do it. I cannot say I have had any complaints for him….I am thinking…no, I haven’t had any fundamental complaints since I have been working from home and that in itself makes any negative effect supremely worth it.

Of course there is a downside to this. I would not say I have had a proper conversation with another person in over a week. Spencer has been doing EIB (Expert Infantryman’s Badge) training for the last 2 weeks, which means he has not been home for breakfast or lunch. And shame on me, but I’m on hiatus from the gym after a weird October. I find myself irritable because I want more quality time with my husband, but the playoffs and World Series have been on… Actually the problem is that he had to work some late evenings and over the weekend as well, which is time we need to rejuvenate as a couple. To help myself out, I have decided that I will go back to Crossfit a couple times a week…even though it’s more than 5 minutes away like my other gyms. I could use getting away from the house though.

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Getting ready to clock in one morning…

Working from home is essentially the best thing ever happened to me. Okay- behind knowing Christ, marrying Spencer, going to college for free, and when I lost 15 pounds in 2014. It has made work something I do rather than what my life centers around. It is weird that physically going to work was responsible for some of the hardest moments I have had in my marriage. I do not know what to make of it, but I don’t want to think too much into it because finally, my contentment is easy again. I will say that this past summer taught me how circumstances can affect or distort the reality. I can make a choice to eliminate or change something to restore whatever it is that is suffering, and likewise if I can persevere, things may change in time.  Focusing on myself, my home, and my husband has inspired me to take back my ambition and ingenuity. I look forward to the blessings to come of this new season of being one step closer to a life as a stay-at-home wife!