The State of Hope

I wasn’t going to post anything this week because I’m feeling so hopeless right now, but the prospect of missing a post was making me feel worse about myself. More importantly, I bet this place I am is a typical experience of being a military spouse.

Here’s what is going on: I haven’t lost any weight, still no job, yet another side hustle opportunity has evaporated, and Bae is gone. I can deal with anything when my husband is here because he makes me happy and he gives me purpose, but what is my purpose right now? I don’t need to clean or cook. I decided to take my fitness more seriously, but honestly have felt smoked ever since the competition I did 3 weeks ago. I’ve changed my diet to aid in recovery, but still find that I’m showing up to the gym at about 80%. I applied to Sephora in JCPenney the other day, because why not? I got a call the next day, but they are looking to hire seasonally; we won’t be here for the holiday. I can bet most places are likely waiting until January to start interviews, too. After applying to over 30 jobs this year, I just simply do not have any faith. It’s like 30 no’s. 30 instances of not being good enough or doing it right.

What is really happening here is this experience is wearing on my self-image. Since college I have been a very ambitious person with high expectations for myself. Honestly I was also sad last year because I wanted so badly to move forward in my career, but didn’t know what I wanted to do. I still don’t, but what makes the frustration more detrimental is that my choices are limited. I question, did I really trade reaching my potential for marrying this military man? I was the one who was ambitious and he wasn’t, yet I’m the one sitting at home for days on end with nothing really to do and few friends or family anywhere to be found. I have to believe I didn’t make a mistake. The feeling still is what it is. It’s big to think that I might not have a career. It’s probably kind of ignorant to think that too, after only 8 months of this. But the truth is, I’m only 27. I have no frame of reference for what could happen next or how things like this usually resolve.

I’m scared that I won’t self-actualize. I think I have a lot of potential. I want to work. I want to be productive. It scares me to think that I might just end up having to take whatever job I can find. I was very cognizant about the limitations the military can put on a spouses career, but after I got over the initial disappointment and accepted being a wife, I didn’t actually think it would happen to me. I’m special, I have a college degree, ambition, work ethic- not me! But here I am. And then I haven’t met many women who are defying this phenomenon. The spouses I know of that are gainfully employed are like doctors, nurses, teachers, some sort of therapists, or in the army. The trade I have is personal training. I can do other health-related things, which I like, but most jobs are looking for nurses to do those things. I didn’t go to school to be a trainer, but that’s the only real trade I came out with. No, I don’t want to be a nurse. Ask Lindsey why I would hate it.

And that leads to another level of troubles. I have moments of feeling badly about choosing that degree or the fact I didn’t go to grad school already. But to be honest, I’m not interested in anything enough to get a masters. I have an interest in being a counselor, but is feeling lukewarm about something enough to dish out $40,000 on another degree? Will my desire to be employed elevation my desire to do that job? I don’t know. These questions stress me out.

I look at the people who graduated high school with me who were kind of the upper class and look at the careers they chose. I saw a guy today is a NEUROSURGEON RESIDENT. Others are dentists, optometrists, musicians in California, lawyers, et cetera. I never had the notion to pursue one of those jobs, and I wonder if it’s because no one in our community was anything like that. My brother is the first person in my family that is really something. He just graduated Pharmacy School. I went to college on a Track and Field Scholarship, and I went out for Track in 8th grade because he had. So I wonder if he were enough older than me for me to see where he had ended up while I was still in school, would it have put me in a different state of mind? So now I think well maybe I should pursue something like that now, but I’m running out of time and have no real desire for anything specific. If I even had a dream, would I really be able to move somewhere and go to school? Or should I just go ahead and have a child?…

Since my husband is gone, I really don’t feel I have a purpose. A couple months ago I decided I would have my purpose be to befriend the lonely, but they ruined that for me for the moment. I’m not resilient enough to deal with people that don’t appreciate me. I have signed up to volunteer with the Red Cross and am waiting for my second orientation two weeks from now. I know some will say I need to find my purpose and worth in Christ. I understand that. I’m a Christian and I grew up in church. I’ve been in a weird place since my ministry experience in college. I believe in The Cross, but still reconciling my belief in Christian Culture. That’s another post.

The other day I made a list of things to do so that I can just focus on the list and not life itself, and so that accomplishing something from it can make me feel better. At least feeling sorry for myself is keeping me from missing my husband or worrying about him, which are things I cannot change. What I don’t need is pity or suggestions of places to apply. I think I need to get through this and figure some things out. I think everything that is distressing me can be attributed to lack of life experience. This has to be learning experience. I’m sharing it because I want people to know what someone you love might be going through. This is part of the sacrifice.