Moving into 2017 is like the excitement of opening Facebook and seeing that you have more than ten notifications. Unlike Facebook, I refuse to let 2017 be just another game request.
I am 28 years old. Not yet 30 or panicking about being 30, and also not still trying to figure out what the heck I’m supposed to be doing for once. I am excited about my opportunities over the next year. One year ago, I was applying for jobs at chain stores and hoping my husband didn’t end up in some worse situation after being dropped from Ranger School. I never heard back from any of the obscure places I applied to except the prestigious one I am employed with now, and my husband is fine; often on the cusp of being stressed out, but overall fine.
This year I will lose that five pounds, except after the holidays it’s ten. I will sell baked stuff with the help of my brand new Kitchenaid Mixer I received for Christmas! (Look at God!) I will blog consistently. And I will try to learn to pop and lock. I am excited about the fact that our next vacation is this year, and that will be in New Orleans, or in Gulf Shores with the in-laws. But what is most exciting about 2017 is that this is when we are supposed to try to have a baaabbyyy!
The start line is many months away, but I am cross-eyed with pleasure at even the prospect. I know having a baby isn’t as easy as staying in for one well-timed evening- I am very aware of that, but for me, sometimes anticipation is the best part. I fully expect my husband to pull out on the deal at the last minute, but I’ll just be disappointed then instead of tempering my excitement now.
I have wanted to have a baby since approximately November 22, 2014, which is the date of my wedding… So I have just been waiting for the past two years; the past 12 years really. When I was in high school, I really wanted a baby. No, I wasn’t sexually active in high school, but I was obsessed with the idea of being pregnant and having a baby. Then in 11th grade I had to take home Baby ThinkItOver. I realized having a baby wouldn’t be primarily fun and games as I repeatedly woke up in the night to feed and change the thing like a zombie. That was when I thought it over.
Despite having no sex in high school, as a black female I was proud that I graduated without becoming pregnant. I was again proud of myself for the same thing when I graduated college. I wasn’t having sex then either. Since I have become of age to actually support a child, my feelings about it have evolved; primarily from possible to impossible to actually do it in a healthy way and not be poor. I am past that and finally gave in to my desire against rationality last spring accepting that I would just have to wait for Spencer to be ready.
In September I thought I could influence him by not bringing up having a baby for one entire month. I was basically successful at it, but with no gain- he still wasn’t interested discussing a baby. He had already said when he would be ready one year prior. Then, we fast forward to December where I feel ambivalent about having a child at all. Ambivalent means fluctuating in commitment one way or another. I could have just said that in the first place, but I need to elevate our collective vocabulary.
I was ambivalent because I finally felt I had something to look forward to in terms of personal goals and hobbies so I wasn’t fixated on the imminence of having a child. I had previously merely been focused on making it to an existential break-even point and a baby represented a significant, positive change. Fortunately I am not that desperate anymore.
To my surprise, our holiday travels tipped the scales. No one said it, but I think everyone in our families is lowkey dying for us to have a child. It’s like we have been at this stasis since all us children became adults. My sister-in-law is finally out of college and so begins the mundanity of adulthood for the last of us. The youngest cousin on his side is driving. There needs to be a baby to add intrigue and everyone knows that. She could get married, or my brother can get married, but regardless, we won’t be related to those persons, so we need a baby.
While I am excited about the things 2017 has in store, I plan to be patient. It’s the climb, people. I hope others can find the optimism I have unearthed in the wake of the busted trashbag of a year we just had. We have nowhere to go but up! I should also mention that there is a possible deployment in the books for 2017. If that precludes us from fulfilling our familial duties this year, I will still live. Previously the prospect of having to wait another year and be THIRTY, nearly brought me to tears, but now I am strong enough to realize that was irrational and to appreciate the additional time to just “do me.”